'Sexperts' are ready to help

nlnews@archant.co.uk
07 February 2007

IT'S EASY to see how you can encounter problems when there's no rulebook to follow.

When it comes to sex, the Karma Sutra is the nearest thing to a how-to guide, but hardly has all the answers.

Where does a man go if he's addicted to internet pornography, thinks his partner's vagina has teeth or suffers premature ejaculation?

And what about a woman who experiences painful intercourse, is experiencing a loss of desire for her lover or fears he might urinate insideher during sex?

These kind of problems - and hundreds more - are dealt with every day by a team of expert, highly-qualified counsellors at Relate North London.

"We are the leading providers of sex therapy in the UK, and not many people know that," says Mo Kurimbokus, one of Relate's psychosexual therapists (PSTs) with nine years' counselling experience with the charity, which has

a branch in Wood Green.

"Our programmes are tailor-made for each client, and we can adjust them until things are much more relaxed and spontaneous for them."

Nationally, Relate saw around 5,000 people last year, offering family mediation and couple and family counselling, and also the specialist service of psychosexual therapy.

Better than that, Mo adds: "93 per cent of them told us that their sex lives improved significantly after having psychosexual therapy".

But he is keen to point out that the reality is far from the recent - and racy - ITV drama, Strictly Confidential.

"It's more down to earth than that," he says. "At no time will they be asked to remove their clothing or perform a sexual act in the room."

These therapists follow a strict code of conduct and take their profession - and your pleasure - very seriously.

Common problems, Mo says, include ejaculatory dysfunction and premature ejaculation in men, orgasmic inadequacy and vaginismus - where the vaginal muscles are so tight that intercourse is impossible - in women, and a loss of desire and painful intercourse in both sexes.

Other, less common problems Mo has encountered include addiction to internet porn, sexual addiction ("only a problem if one partner is unhappy with it"), and phobias.

"Loss of desire is the most common that we deal with, both in men and women.

"Internet addiction is rare, but in the future who knows?" says Mo. "I did have a man who reported with exactly this. When we started to explore what was going on, he would turn to the Internet when he felt neglected in his relationship. This was a pattern in his life, so it is all about understanding what's going on with a couple."

Another man had a phobia where he thought his partner's vagina might have teeth, or thought something awful might happen to his penis if they had sex.

Mo has also treated a woman who was worried that if her partner didn't ejaculate he would urinate inside her instead."It can be all different ideas," he said.

Relate PSTs will take couples for an initial interview, looking for an "organic", or medical, cause, a psychological cause or a mix of both.

"Where it is a psychological problem we look at the history of the clients and see where those thoughts have come from.

"Using a cognitive behavioural approach we try to convert negative thoughts into positive ones. We find it is the negative thoughts which are getting in the way of what they would like to do sexually.

"What we do is talk it over. Some of those difficulties are very personal to them, so we need to create that environment that helps them feel safe." Confidentiality is complete and counsellors take it very seriously, he adds.

Most problems are typically overcome after 15-25 sessions. "We will set them a first task, and this they can do in their own time, in their own home, for one hour three times a week.

"We give them targets and get them working from A to B, then B to C, and C to D to achieve their goal."

This is tailored to their needs and can be anything from pelvic floor exercises to encouraging people to get to know their body better, communicating more

with their partner during love-making, and providing "correct sex education".

Even premature ejaculation can be helped by a "stop-start programme," says Mo.

And all of Relate's PSTs are fully qualified, having years of experience as relationship counsellors before being picked to take an involved two-year diploma course in psychosexual therapy.

So whatever the problem, you can bet you're not the first and can count on Relate's counsellors to help in the strictest confidence.

For details or to arrange an appointment, call Relate North London on 020 8447 8101 or visit www.relatenl.org.uk.